I first met Ed (a figure widely used by specialists and therapists to represent an eating disorder as a character/concrete presence) in 2003 when I was in 8th grade. He convinced me that the way I looked did not match up with the standard of the other girls in my grade, and society. Every magazine and TV show I watched depicted the same type of skinny girl, and she always looked happy.
This led me to develop the idea that my life’s happiness was directly correlated with how much I weighed and how I looked on the outside. Therefore, I began using symptoms of anorexia, in order to lose weight. My parents left for work before I left for school so I wouldn’t eat breakfast, I would skip lunch, using the excuse that I had eaten a big meal, and then I would pick at my dinner plate to make it seem like I had eaten more than I actually had. Restricting my food intake became too difficult for me. Thus, after a few weeks, I transitioned to using bulimic symptoms (binging and purging) a couple times a month. I loved the idea of being able to eat as much as I wanted, and still be able to throw it up— symptoms were my best sources for immediate gratification.
After middle school, Ed followed me to high school. Every few weeks, I would binge eat after school, as a way of dealing with my stresses with school, friendship, and family, and then I would purge everything I had consumed. I created this belief that if I could lose weight, I would be prettier, and people would like me more. As a freshman in high school, I weighed less than 110lbs. However, by the time I was a junior, in 2006, I was pushing 170lbs. My goal to lose weight had failed, and instead my biggest fear happened. I gained weight, a whopping 60lbs. Because of my extreme weight gain, I reached the height of my eating disorder, which sent me into a deep depression; I was binging and purging at least every other day my junior year, but I still was not able to lose weight. My anxiety and mood swings had increased because of this harsh reality, so I began restricting myself from going out on the weekends with my friends. I was truly unhappy with my life at this point—I had thoughts of suicide, I began binge drinking, and used laxatives to control my weight. I struggled in search of any sort of relief from the pain I felt because of my eating disorder and body image issues.
Towards the end of my junior year, I decided to go on a spiritual retreat—if you will—where I came in contact with a girl who spoke to the group about her struggles with eating disorder issues. After the retreat, I felt moved to finally speak to someone, anyone, about my eating disorder. I no longer wanted ED to control my every thought. I wanted to be free from his dictatorship, which demanded that I lose weight by binging and purging. However, although I was finally acknowledging that I had a problem and needed help, I was scared to reveal my secret.
By the time school had started, I still had not spoken with anyone, but I was in such a severe state of desperation that I decided enough was enough. I confided in a school counselor about my history with my eating disorder and depression. I trusted the counselor implicitly, so she helped me set up a meeting with my mom—which she would facilitate between us—so I could confess my struggles to her as well. My mom came in a few days later and I finally came clean about my experience with bulimia since 8th grade. I told her I was unhappy with my life and needed her help. I expected my mom to react with feelings of anger towards me for harming myself and my body. However, she was relieved that I came to her for help, even if it took me a long time to tell her.
After the meeting with my mom and my counselor, I saw a physician, who performed a physical check-up on me, looking for symptoms that resulted from my bulimia. Luckily, it appeared my body was healthy. Although, the doctor told me it can take time for harmful effects of an eating disorder to develop and be noticeable. Yikes.
After that, I began seeing a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. She and I met for the remainder of my senior year, and throughout summer, up until I left for my freshman year at St. Thomas in 2008. At that point, I had stopped using binging and purging for a few months, but college was overwhelming for me that first year—I did not have any friends at UST because I was from out of state, I missed my family, and school was challenging—and consequently Ed slithered back into my life. My therapist had warned me this might happen, so I sought out UST’s Personal Counseling services immediately, and have been utilizing their effective services ever since then.
I am currently a senior in college, and have been symptom-free for about a year and one month now. It has been a struggle, and taken a lot of patience and faith, to get to this point though. I wish I could say that Ed is no longer present in my life, but I still suffer from extreme body image issues. Since I am no longer using symptoms, my anxiety has increased because I no longer am able to use binging and purging as a way to release my stress. To help cope with this, I am now on medication to help alleviate my battle with anxiety and depression so that I can overcome my body image issues in the future.
My battle with Ed and bulimia has been on-going for 9 years now. Since the age of 12, the media has made me believe that I had to take extreme measures to change how I looked in order to fit in with society. This is truly unfortunate because I know there are many teenagers today who are fighting with the same issues I faced/am facing. I feel for our youth, because a large percentage of them are unaware of how false society’s message is. No one needs to change to fit in with society; it is society that needs to change what it values in regards to physical appearances.
What I struggle with most now, is being able to separate my eating disorder voice from my own, which has been suppressed for years. I have learned that any negative feelings I have stem from my eating disorder; it is Ed’s voice trying to convince me that recovery is impossible. However, as I have learned that is false, and Ed is a liar. To put it simply, recovery is not a 1-day thing. It takes time, but I have a genuine hope that everyone, especially you, can recover from their struggle with mental disorders. Take me for example: I never thought there would be a day when I stopped binging and purging, but there was. And right now, I fear there will never be a day I am comfortable with my own body, however, deep down, I know there will be.
Throughout your recovery process, you will learn that your own voice is much more powerful than any mental disorder. It is also much more beautiful, and much more truthful. Mental disorders are frauds, and their job is to purposefully distort reality, but you cannot let them. Allow your voice to speak out against these disorders. I believe, with all of my heart, that you can live a life free from mental disorders. So be proud to define who you are, don’t let your eating disorder define you.
Be Strong. Be Bold. Be beautiful. Be you.
-Meagan