My best friend and I had an emotional and confusing falling out that has extended over the past few years. Obviously, this was not something that was easy to handle, and consequently is something I am still burdened with today. It took a long time for our lingering toxic relationship to fade, and to be honest, despite both of us being pretty dead-set on wanting to move forward, our strange and dysfunctional friendship still probably hasn’t died out entirely.
There were several dimensions to our fallout that made our collapse extremely difficult; things like choosing defensiveness and stubbornness instead of empathy and kindness during crucial moments that were possibly our only chances at saving whatever meager bit of us that was left to be saved. Sadly, time and time again, we continued to bury ourselves deeper in emotions we refused to reveal, frustrations we refused to let go of, and excuses we made up and clung to. Eventually, I didn’t have any other choice but to tune into my emotions, tune out his negativity, and take care of myself, because holding onto something that didn’t want to be held, and longing for someone who didn’t exist anymore was extremely detrimental to my mental health.
The first step for me, was removing him from all of my social media, because I couldn’t stand to look at the constant reminders that someone who was so important to me for so long was now a stranger. He didn’t smile anymore. Everything was carefully constructed. The vibrant colors faded. I’d see his posts, and I would scoff at the new image that he had crafted for himself, knowing it wasn’t who he truly was inside, and feeling mournful and frustrated that the person that I had come to adore, care so much about, and think incredibly highly of, was not good enough for himself, yet still too good for me. I deleted and blocked him on everything, so that I didn’t have to see all of the images that triggered a viscous burst of rage, dejection, and envy that stirred within me still. I wanted to find peace, and knew that if I didn’t take this first step, I wouldn’t be able to allow myself that.
It didn’t last long.
He noticed almost instantaneously, like within a day instantaneously, and confronted me about it immediately; he made it clear that he was not happy that I chose to delete him from my digital life.
He called me dramatic.
As if drama was what I was aching for by tending to the persistent darkness that was rooted deep within me, and as if everything I had just done was just an enormous attention-seeking act of defiance.
He called me insane.
As if my actions were not justified, and as if every raw and vulnerable emotion that I had explained to him in my defense were not my own to be felt or my own to attend to, because if any emotion drawn from within me and connected to him was anything other than praise, it must purely be insanity, an apparition, a lie.
He broke me down.
Reluctantly, I unblocked and re-added him on everything, knowing full-well that giving in to his demands and doing so wasn’t healthy for me, while also wondering why it was something that mattered or that he needed to control, since clearly by this point it was obvious that our relationship was never going to be the same. I was left once more with the painful reminders that I had worked so hard to finally escape.
There is a new social media term that followed after “ghosting” became a huge fad. For those of you who are unaware, Google Dictionary defines ghosting as, “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication”. In keeping in theme with phantom-related terms, the newest addition to social media terms is, “haunting”, which can best be described as a presence of a past relationship that is lingering in a digital life. This means that someone you have cut all ties with still follows you on your social media and interacts with it, in a way that keeps their existence alive and active in your life. Liking your pictures, commenting on your posts, following you on a new social media platform – all of these fall under the category of haunting and all of them are extremely detrimental.
For me personally, being haunted by my ex-best friend messed with my mind in ways I didn’t think were possible. It skewed the lines of our relationship even further and made it even more difficult to move on. Knowing that he was doing things like “liking” my social media posts, after our last conversation had only been a fit of aggression and rage, was so confusing to me. Did he want to mend our friendship, or didn’t he?
It was like he was showing support virtually, by doing all the things that he thought a friend should do, while both verbally and through his actions, he expressed no interest in solving issues or in moving forward healthily; as if he were comfortable with the painful awkwardness of endlessly remaining stagnant. Maybe it was just a way of maintaining control. Maybe he didn’t want to put in the effort that was needed in order for us to make amends and move forward together, but he also did not want to experience the emotional strain of letting go altogether without closure, so instead he created a virtual limbo, where he could still have my attention at his fingertips without having to commit to either of those things.
Or perhaps, my mind has crafted limitless possibilities for what his intentions truly are. There are cynical ones that suggest our manipulative relationship will constantly remain throughout all eternity. There are also optimistic ones that put faith in his actions being his way of showing he still cares. Neither scenarios are right, but both are a result of the terrible mind games that have been played since I began to be virtually haunted by him.
By: Katie Ahrens, Anxiety In Teens Contributor