Look Out – Bumpy Road Ahead
Congrats to your high school grad! He/she might be ready to head off for college – immediately – even though it’s only June. The feelings begin before graduation, of course. Not only will your teen be ready to go, but you may also be really ready for him/her to leave. It’s commonly referred to as “soiling the nest” and – yes – it’s a real phenomenon.
As an expectant parent, you spent weeks preparing for the birth and “nesting” in your home to make sure the crib was perfect, the baby clothes were soft, and the pacifiers were sterilized. You spent years nurturing them, helping them with tough friend problems, guiding them through personal issues, preparing them to leave your nest and enter the great big world. How will your student show their deep love, gratitude, and appreciation? He/she will dump a giant s____ (call it a “soil”) in your loving, safe, happy nest.
The summer before my daughter left for college she had little interest in spending time with us. Ouch. She had no tolerance for her younger brother and not much time for family. Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out.
We knew she was anxious about the unknowns of school – could she get along with her roommate, would her classes be tough, would her fake ID work at the campus bar? However, she wasn’t sharing her worries with us because she was always out. She worked a part-time job, relaxed at the pool, worked out at the gym, and went out with friends.
She didn’t talk much about needing to start over and make all new friends. While I knew she wanted to ditch most of the senior class, she did have a few close friends. I was concerned she’d spend a lot of time on SnapChat or FaceTime with them and not make the effort to connect with new girls in her dorm or her classes. When I tried to have that conversation with her, I was not successful. All I wanted was to get her thinking about ways to handle the new challenges she was certain to encounter in her first semester at school.
She was upbeat after attending a late-June orientation for two days and making a few friends. At that time in her life, she had not yet been diagnosed with anxiety – that came the summer AFTER her freshman year. However, based on some of the friend drama and other problems that popped up during high school, I was certain there would be situations that would potentially cause major issues for my daughter. Our mistake was not figuring out how to get out in front of it before she left.
Whether you have a son or daughter, there are universal bumps in the road during the transitional first weeks and months of college. These may sound familiar…
For many large state schools, Greek rush starts immediately, before students set foot in a classroom. For a freshman, the concept of being judged and voted on when he/she has barely unpacked the suitcases can be difficult and detrimental to one’s self-esteem. The feeling of having to instantly fit in, dress right, drink at parties, and “make friends” with as many people as possible can be extremely terrifying.
Whether or not your student has enjoyed his/her own bedroom at home he/she will suddenly paired up with stranger who may be an incompatible roommate. It can be very uncomfortable to share a tiny space with someone who is the opposite of your student: a slob, neat freak, early riser, the silent type, a jock, or anyone who could be drastically different socially, culturally, politically, etc…the possibilities are endless.
Academics can be another source of angst and anxiety. Classes can have under 30 or over 300 students. Access to professors is possible…but it will probably be a teaching assistant who may not be helpful. The amount of reading required for courses is more than in high school. And…how do you balance that with tailgating, eating, and sleeping?
Parents, I urge you to find a way to talk about some of the huge changes your students will face as they begin this new chapter. Don’t assume they will “find a way to deal with it” or “learn from their mistakes” because they may not be equipped for that. In my next post, I’ll talk about the challenges my husband and I face in parenting an anxious student who lives 1,000 miles away. Comment on your thoughts and experiences about becoming empty nesters below!
By: Melanie Wine, Anxiety In Teens Contributor