For any college-bound student the year leading up to the application deadlines is extremely stressful. On top of keeping up with classes, studying for entrance exams, and visiting colleges, students have the agonizing task of creating “the list” of schools to which they want to apply. For our anxious student, this time period caused her an enormous amount of fear, uncertainty, and self-doubt. We knew it would be stressful, but we didn’t know how bad it would be. A perfect storm was brewing.
Our daughter’s GPA and ACT were excellent, so a lot of schools would want her – right? We live in a region with excellent public schools. Our daughter was motived and hard-working, but she worried daily (and nightly):
- Am I taking enough AP classes?
- Am I taking the right classes?
- Should I be involved in more extracurricular activities?
- Am I applying to the right colleges?
- Ugh, (enter classmate name here) is applying to the same school…are my scores better than hers?
To add to the rising stress level, there was an online system that was every anxious student’s nightmare (and mine). It took the scores of all college applicants and used analytics to give you the likelihood of acceptance, based on your scores. Our daughter had her heart set on a “dream” school, but she had backup schools too. That list, which was curated by an advisor we hired, had some of the country’s “most selective” schools on it (one being the dream school), two “safety” schools, and four “highly selective” schools. Our daughter looked online and according to the analytics, she should get into her dream school. As the weeks went by she checked the site constantly, assuring herself that she’d be accepted.
Our daughter chose not to apply early decision to any schools and her dream school didn’t offer ED. To the parents of anxious teens, please – I beg you – urge your teen to apply ED to one school. Otherwise, you are potentially looking at a few extra months of waiting, wondering, and worrying.
With every passing week she became more miserable and was inconsolable some days. As the weeks dragged on, her friends were receiving acceptance notices. It was done. Their drama was over. Not for our daughter. Here’s how it went down in our house:
October – applications submitted
November – acceptance to a safety school
December – deferral from the dream school
January – waitlist from two schools, rejection from two schools
April – rejection from the dream school, rejection from three schools
Yep, she was 1-6. She worked so flippin’ hard for four years, took a rigorous course load, and the numbers – she had the dream school’s numbers!
Maybe your teen is like ours and has extreme anxiety about social rejection, and has already experienced it. We hoped the rejection would be less painful if/when it came from a stranger, a faceless admissions officer. It wasn’t. She received a waitlist notice during our spring break vacation and was so upset that she almost couldn’t leave the hotel one day.
She rejected by an institution that didn’t even want to meet her. Then she had to process the reality of attending the only school that accepted her. We visited it together and I remember her saying after the tour, “I could see myself here.” In hindsight, I don’t think she truly believed it.
Her disappointment was multi-faceted. She didn’t have options. Most of her friends were accepted by multiple schools and they got to choose. On May 1, the seniors traditionally wear a t-shirt from the college they’re attending. Many in her class viewed her college only as a renowned party school and looked down at her “choice.” (Don’t kids party at every college?) She was frustrated that students who didn’t work as hard her had been admitted to better schools or schools that had rejected her. Most of all, she was afraid she’d get there and wouldn’t be able to adjust. Thankfully, she did.
Your teen should start talking about all the potential outcomes before he/she begins the process. Whether it’s with a counselor, friend, parent, sibling, therapist, (or all the above) – it’s important for teens to understand the conception of rejection and start planning and practicing ways to cope with it. Some kids experience rejection early in life by not making the cut in sports, but not making the college cut is a whole other game.
By: Melanie Wine, Anixety In Teens Contributor