People often ask me what I would have done differently as a parent if I could go back and start over. I can quickly generate a very long list, but of course there is no way to actually know what might or might not have made a difference in preventing or at least reducing their burden of depression and anxiety. As I now witness several of my nieces and nephews entering middle or high school and also running into trouble with mental illness it is tempting to just chalk it all up to genetics. At the same time, I cannot help but wonder about school itself as an independent factor. Cognitive and learning disabilities aside, why do some kids thrive under the expectation to engage with academics while others get sick?
So often the story goes that kids struggling through traumatic home lives find the solace and support they need at school, from a teacher, a counselor or a coach. A path is laid out for them: stay in school and you will eventually escape your toxic home. But the reverse does not seem to exist – kids who are overwhelmed at school don’t typically have a resource at home saying just stay here and eventually you will escape your toxic school. School is mandatory up to a certain age, there are police officers and courts of law that will enforce attendance and they are very convincing. I have more than once physically carried a child into an elementary school kicking and screaming. In hindsight I am absolutely horrified that I ever thought this was the right thing to do, regardless of the law.
Turns out there are legal alternatives to traditional brick and mortar public school, though none of them is easy to access nor guaranteed to be any better. And depending on where you live, most of them have some kind of stigma attached to them. There are any number of private schools that offer untraditional schedules and specialized curricula, but they are extremely expensive and short on space. Also in recent years a remarkable number of organizations have emerged that support homeschooling and unschooling for all ages, both online and on-site. There are a handful of embedded alternative public high school programs and a very few special education programs aimed at supporting academically capable kids with emotional disabilities. Interest in expanding replicating these kinds of programs across the country seems to be growing, which is a good thing.
Unfortunately though, because of the way access to public education services are mandated by federal law, public school employees are still systemically motivated not to be completely honest about what they actually think would be best for your struggling child. They are unlikely to say “Sara would really benefit from a supported homeschool high school program that allows her to sleep until 9am and still have time for a part time afternoon job at her favorite art studio and be home in time to help prepare and enjoy a family meal in the evening” or “Jason would probably be more at ease in a Montessori based environment that more closely aligns with your family’s experiential lifestyle” or “we have this great program here that would really help prevent Maggie’s performance anxiety from progressing to unsustainable levels but there is a waitlist 120 kids long” because then they are legally liable for providing and/or bankrolling such opportunities. They can’t even formally tell you that maybe Bobby could use a couple of regularly scheduled mental health days off a month to rest and reset – though there are a few very courageous, compassionate educators who might find a way to whisper this to you in the parking lot. Many parents end up spending insane amounts of money on private “Education Consultants” in order to get information on the full range of possibilities, but this venue is financially feasible only for a very few and absolutely not guaranteed to pay off.
Yet even with this growing list of alternatives, all of the options are still about “getting through school” in one way or another. So I still can’t get past the initial question: What if school itself causes chronic trauma for some kids? How do we figure out why some kids make it through emotionally intact and some kids don’t? Why are we expecting colleges to pick up the pieces of our shattered children by providing more mental health services and awareness on university campuses? The American College Health Association’s Spring 2017 survey cites 39% of students who “felt so depressed within the last 12 months that it was difficult for them to function”, 61% who “felt overwhelming anxiety in the last 12 months” and a stunning 10% had “seriously considered suicide in the last 12 months”. At a typical mid-sized college of 6000 students that is 600 young adults. 600. College age is way too late. The damage is already done. Why are we so focused on treatment without also looking more at cause and prevention? Why aren’t we starting at the very beginning?
I realize I am asking a lot of questions and not offering many answers…So back to the beginning – what would I have done differently for my own kids?
I would have tried to work up some kind of algorithm, some kind of parental litmus test to discern productive stress from toxic stress and I would have used it to protect my children better.
I would have shared it with everyone.
I would have listened to and trusted my children 500% more.
I would have been much, much, much less tolerant of school officials’ not-so-subtly condescending arguments that the core of the problem was with my child/my family instead of the school environment.
I can’t go back and do it over for my family, but I can try to promote some of these things going forward, try to make it better for the kids coming through now. They are dying out there and they need help.
By: Allison Kreitzmeier, Anxiety In Teens Contributor