Dear Mom and Papí,
No number of “thank you’s” or “I love you’s” could possibly cover it. You dedicated your life to make sure I could build my own. You crossed oceans and continents to get here. You kept your head down and worked hard to put me through school. You slept on floors, went to bed hungry, worked multiple jobs just to make sure we could make it. And we made it. I grew up in a house in the suburbs with a perfectly trimmed lawn, a white picket fence, and a good education that would take me places you never even imagined. You gave me the greatest gift I have ever known, my American citizenship, along with it came all your hopes and dreams.
Knowing this, how could I possibly tell you about my hardships, my struggles, my uncertainty when they pale in comparison to yours? I haven’t brought myself to share them with you, at least not yet.
I wish I could tell you some days in college I think I’m not worth the bone breaking hours you spend trying to pay for a spot at my university. I lie awake at night wishing I could do more, wishing I could be better.
I wish I could tell you sometimes I envy my friends whose parents grew up here, the parents who had the experience to help their children apply to college. I wish I could tell you that sometimes it’s hard being the first; first to be American and first to go to college.
I wish I could tell you sometimes it’s the little things like not doing well on a test that will get me. You didn’t come all the way here to have a daughter that slacks off, skips class, misses homework assignments, or sleeps in class. So I don’t, or I try not to. I’m here to make you proud -to make our family proud. I know I do, but I can’t help but feel when I enjoy myself I’m not working hard, not taking full advantage of the time you’ve been able to help give me in college.
But I won’t- I can’t tell you that. Figuring out how to fill out a FAFSA by myself is nothing compared to navigating a whole country by yourself with a child by your side like you did not too many years ago.
Most of all, I wish I could tell you I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t be able to give you the American dream you deserve.
I don’t know if this guilt and fear will ever leave me, it’s driven me forward so long. I hope to share this with you soon and hear your fear, your guilt, the burden you carry. I know the weight of our family’s legacy rested on you not too long ago. This is our history, I hope sharing my story can help you share yours and we can put the pieces of our past together to look forward to our future.
Love,
S.F